Logging on, I look for the little red numbers at the top, telling me that someone paid some attention to my life. It's the same way I used to sit, listening to the familiar screech of the internet connection, waiting to hear the words, "You've Got Mail!" I go to my blog to see if anyone commented on (or even read) my post. I scan through my feed until something catches my eye. Wow...why doesn't he say nice things like that about my family? Why didn't I get invited on that trip? How come I don't understand this inside joke?
I am insecure. It's something I never realized until I was an adult. I skillfully covered it up with large doses of confidence, extroversion, loud laughs, and the pretense that I didn't care about popularity (puh-lease). As I grew older, and met a man who was kind and loving and made me feel safe, I began to evolve. I would look at my life and think, I'm boring. I used to be so much more fun than this. As I grew into my "boring" life, I realized, that THIS is who I am. I'm shy. I like to be alone. I don't really like to be to give hugs to everyone I meet. I'm funny...but the kind that about 5% of humanity even understands. I don't believe everything I've been told to believe. I am passionate about...well, lots of things. I try really really hard to be a good mom, because THAT is what matters to me. Over the years, I've allowed myself to become...myself...and I'm finally comfortable being me. But still...I have to look through my own photos periodically to remind myself that my days are just as fun, and my hair is just as cute, and my family is just as beautiful...as yours. Mornings are hard....full of lunch making, bag packing, breakfast making, diaper changing, sock finding, car loading, and somehow I have to get myself ready, too. My arms are always full, the carseat is always difficult, and I fight away the sleep still trying to overpower by body. My mind is on two things-Get to Nana's...be on time for work.
But somehow, the other morning, I looked up. The clouds caught my attention. As one unit, they scrolled across the sky, just like the scene on my son's lullaby aquarium. I took a deep breath of fresh air and listened to the birds chirping in my trees. I soaked it in for just a second before hopping into the car to continue on my way. Sometimes, it's just nice to know that even when my life seems crazy and out of control, the world still turns. The sun still rises, the birds still chirp, and the clouds still scroll. I'm glad there is a world outside of me. Recently, I've had a heavy heart. Life simply isn't going according to plan. And to be honest, it feels like it typically doesn't. I feel totally enveloped and it's very difficult to see beyond the fog surrounding me.
I know that somehow, at some point, I will get there...wherever there is. But, the timing just feels wrong. Everything seems upside down, and I see no way to turn it right side up, again. But, I try to remember that I don't have to have it all figured out, right now. Or ever, for that matter. Everything does not have to be perfect. And by living this all-too-true imperfection, I teach my son about life. I teach him that things are not just handed to us. I teach him that everything doesn't come easily. Some things take work, and that's not a reason to give up. The good news is that my job is to simply follow God. He never asked me to forge my own path. He goes ahead and whacks down all the vines and thorns. He makes the path and simply asks me to take it. "Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track."-Proverbs 3:5-6 The Message I walked into the house after a disappointing day. He came around the corner with a huge smile on his face and melted my heart.
I put my things away, gave him some cuddles, and he informed me he wanted to eat. He happily munched on his apple slices and devoured his waffle. He tried some new things and fed me cheese. He had a difficult time understanding that we didn't have any more pouches and he had to eat what was on his plate. He pitched a little fit, but still, he melted my heart. We went outside to play on the slide while we waited for Daddy to get ready. He pushed the doorbell on his little house and said, "knock knock" and waited for me to respond with "ding dong". He climbed up the steps and slid down the slide on his belly, then ran around to do it again. I sat on the sidewalk and watched his sweet self, climbing and sliding and pushing his doorbell. He melted my heart. After going to the store to get diapers and pouches and bananas (three things very important to my 1 year old), I followed him into his room to help him put away his diapers. He laid on his bed, patted it, and said, "Mama!" I laid down next to him and he grinned a happy grin, and he melted my heart. I took off his shirt, because it was soaked with water. He rubbed his skin because it felt so good to be a little freer. He walked into the living room to get Daddy and round him up as if thinking, We should all be together. Please Daddy, come in here with us. He ran back into his room to find me. Daddy sat in the chair, but he patted the mattress and said, "Dada!". "I'm too big, Bubbuh, you come sit with me." So he sat in his Daddy's lap, shirtless, and listened to him read about a zebra with rainbow stripes. They melted my heart. He found his measuring cups in his basket and ran to the stove to cook something for us. He returned to give us each a bite. He found his water bottle full of beads and laughed hysterically while Daddy shook it all around his body and through his legs. He tried to do it himself, and he melted my heart. These are the moments that melt my heart. The moments that happen every day, under my nose, and I often fail to notice. Imagine the joy my heart would find, if I would simply stop more often and take it in. |
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