“I just want somebody to lay with me,” he said quietly. I paused for a moment, about to give my normal response of “I can’t because” or, “You don't need anyone to lay with you. You’re a big boy”. But instead, I said, “OK. I’ll be right back.”
I went into the other room quickly and grabbed my phone, so I could keep planning the birthday party I’d been interrupted from about 6 times that evening. I climbed up onto the top bunk and wrapped my arm around him. I started to pick up my phone to browse through Amazon and listen to all my distracting thoughts about the impending party. But instead, I turned it face down and stuck it in the blankets next to me. Then, I laid there with him, holding his hand and letting him stroke my arm. I snuggled my sweet six-year-old who I knew, one day, would not want me in his bed, snuggling up next to him. We talked about his stuffed animals and how we got his white tiger at the zoo on his first birthday. He told me how he wanted to bring it to school for show and tell. Instead of asking him to be quiet and close his eyes because it was very, very late, I listened and talked. Then, I asked him some important questions that had been putting a great weight on my heart. “How does your heart feel?” His sweet voice answered, "Good. " “Do you feel safe?” "Yes." “Do you feel loved?” "Yes." “Do you feel happy?” "Yes." “Do you feel… Important?” "Yes." I quieted as my heart rested a little. I snuggled up close to him until he told me he was ready for me to go. Most nights I go to bed feeling like I failed my children, but that night I went to bed and thought, “I did something right, today.“ Mama, I know it's hard. You didn't get everything checked off your list. You spent too much time distracted by your phone. Your daughter didn't have clean socks for school, so you gave her yesterday's to wear. Dinner was pizza, again. You yelled. But when you go to bed tonight, try not to keep your focus on all you did wrong. Remember what you did right, today. You woke up before dawn because your son wanted a waffle. You read that book about the puppy four times in a row. You wrote lunchbox notes and made sure everyone was wearing a jacket. You put bubbles in the bathtub. Your daughter had a bad dream and you sung her back to sleep. What does your little one remember? How does his heart feel? Does she feel loved? Safe? Happy? Remember, Mama, you did something right today. I sat at a table filled with sweet sweet ladies, that I don't know well, connected only by the lovely pregnant lady across from me. I sat listening to them talk about their new homes or their time as stay-at-home-moms, a recent trip to somewhere exotic, or a new adventure with a future move. I looked at their polished hair and actual makeup. And I started to compare. I was feeling pretty good in my skinny jeans and cute top (handed down to me by my sister-in-law). I had actually dried my hair and put on my tinted moisturizer before coming. But, I had ignored the piles of both clean and dirty laundry all over the house. My sink was full of dirty dishes, and it smelled bad. And hearing about the nice things these ladies had made my stomach feel heavy.
If I change my perspective and focus on what I have, and not on what others have, I'm content (maybe not with the loads of laundry or the stinky sink, but you know what I mean). My house tends to be a source of discontent. Not because it isn't enough, but because I compare it with what it isn't. So, I have been trying to remember all the the things about my house that is really good. My kids love our steep driveway and the adventure they have at the bottom. I love that our bedroom is so close to my kids' rooms that I can practically hear when one of them rolls over in bed. I love that our kitchen is large enough that we turned part of it into a little "office" when our spare bedroom was filled with a baby. I love that our basement is HUGE and I can shove stuff down there when I simply can't deal with it in the house. I love my hydrangea. I love our quiet road where my family takes walks. And most of all, I love that this is our home, the first place my husband and I lived together and where my babies came home from the hospital. Gratitude= Contentment I set my phone down and the world came back into focus. The sun shining through the windows, car seats on either side of me, my sweet baby in my arms. I was sitting on the floor of my van nursing my precious 5 week old, because, well that's just how I do things. I looked up and realized that I'd been mindlessly scrolling on my phone and not giving mind to the things right in front of me. I tend to pick up my phone when I'm nursing, because it feels like wasted time. I'm stuck in a chair, or in the bed, or on the floor of my van and I can't really do much else. So I Christmas shop, or get on Facebook, or play a game. When all the while, a cute little baby is snuggled up next to me. And not just any cute baby. MY cute baby. My LAST baby. And I'm already grieving the time passed. The squishy snuggles I will no longer have, all too soon. The sweet baby clothes that I am no longer storing in the basement when he grows out of them, like I've always done in the past.
I had put down my phone because he had stopped eating, and it was time to switch him to the other side. But once my surroundings came into focus, so did a lot more. I looked down at my baby, happily eating and looking right up at me. Asking to have a conversation with me between his little eyes and mine. I am the center of his world right now and he is asking to be the center of mine. And while he can't be all the time (I do have 2 other kids that I love fiercely), I could probably give him this time. After all, pretty soon he will be eating mac and cheese and daddy is gonna be way cooler than me, anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Whether you are a believer or not, what is blinding your mind so that you cannot see what is important? "The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God." 2 Corinthians 4:4 Things were getting pretty hard. I couldn't understand why my home felt so out of control. My temper was short and it seemed like my kids were simply insane. What was wrong with them?! Why wouldn't they just chill out and do what I asked? I truly thought something was wrong with my 4 year old. I had worked with a classroom full of four year olds and his behavior did not seem typical. And why was he so anxious all the time?
Then one day it just kind of clicked. There was nothing wrong with my children. There was something wrong with ME! I had checked out. I had a very short fuse, was incredibly irritable, and even the smallest thing would set me off. I had my face buried in my phone or my mind occupied with a never ending to-do list of things that were not important. My kid was anxious because I was always raising my voice at him. My children were acting insane because they needed my attention. Somehow, in my quest for the perfect life, I was ruining ours. So I set out to make small steps for positive change inside the four walls that were meant to nurture my children (and not to control them). One very important step was to put aside my distractions and PLAY with my children. I can't even tell you the difference that this one change has made. Not only are my kids getting attention, but I'm more patient when I am more present. Plus, it's fun to play Legos and Go Fish! |
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