When God Says No

I used to think I was being selfish, so I gave in and I gave up sleep.  "I can't do something just because I'm tired.  I need to do what is best for Baby."  "Being a mother means I put his needs first." But, by his age, how is it selfish to teach him that night time is for sleeping?  How is it selfish to give my baby a well rested, more patient, more engage-able Mother?  How is it selfish to teach him to be independent and give him confidence that he is OK without me by his side every minute?  

I finally hit my breaking point.  Baby was on a consistent schedule waking up every 2 hours demanding to be nursed.  He would have nothing to do with Daddy, a sippy cup, a bottle, a paci, a cuddle, distracting toys....he wanted nothing, but me.  I was afraid to search for answers, since the "Cry-It-Out", leave him alone in his room until he cries himself to sleep method is simply not an option for me. 

After consulting my mom, my dad, my cousin, my friends, Facebook (a questionable source, I am aware), my husband, and my gut, I decided it was time to wean him, at night.  

As I sat in his room, trying desperately to maintain consistency (as all the TV nannies teach us), I was brought to tears.  I wanted so badly to give in.  I have what he wants right at my disposal.  It would be so easy to nurse him and let him drift into happy, milky dreamland.  But, then, he wouldn't learn.  He wouldn't know that he is strong and safe without me.  And, the whole first half of our struggle would have been in vain.  He would learn that if he doesn't give in, I will.  Sometimes what he wants, is not what he needs.  

So I prayed.
I cried.
I stayed consistent.
"It's not time to nurse right now."
"It's night-night time."
"I love you."   

I feel as though I am learning how God must feel, sometimes.  He has exactly what we want at his disposal.  It would be so easy for him to simply give it to us.  But, sometimes, what we want, is not what we need.

So he cries.
He stays consistent.  
He aches for our pain.  
He holds us as we wail and beg, singing softly into our ears and swaying back and forth to soothe our souls.  
"It's not time."
"I love you."
"It's not time."
"I love you."

"It's not time.  I love you."